Merry Christmas, future fatties!

McDonalds is starting to offer the Arch card so you can charge your way to obesity more easily. They're pushing it as a possible Christmas gift. Here are some suggestions for accessories that will complement that gift Arch card when you decide to buy it for your loved one:

• Gift certificate to Sweatpants'R'Us


• Extra wide burial plot at the local cemetary


• Home electro-cardiopulminary resuscitator


• Philipino orphan with a healthy heart and the correct blood type

I guess I shouldn't talk too much trash though, because I still eat there sometimes. I just wish they would own up to the nutritional worthlessness of their food. The one by my school has laminated articles all over their counter refuting the stuff from "Super Size Me" and other documentaries. They're trying to claim that you can easily lose weight by eating at McDonalds and being active. My McLuvHandles say otherwise.

No, dumbasses, you lose weight by being active and staying as far as humanly possible from McDonalds. If you're going to munch Mickey D's every day, you better be either a marathon runner or bulimic. We, the culinary lazies, just go there because it's cheap and convenient, not because it's good or we think it's good for us. I mean I'm mildly retarded enough to still eat there, but not so much that I'll buy that line of bullshit.

Look at Wendy's. For years their publicity figure was Dave Thomas. "Eat at Wendy's, you too can be a fat guy working at a fast food restaurant until you die from rectal blockage in your 60's." Now, that's corporate honesty.

Ok, I know McDonalds is a pretty easy target to rant on, but would a little corporate honesty kill them?

Disclaimer: I do not know for sure that Dave Thomas died of rectal blockage. He may have in fact been killed by unknown members of the government because HE KNEW TOO MUCH.