Mig Mike, gimme a draft.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Earth humans. Stop being so goddamn white.

Pardon the personal rambling.

Have you ever been stuck on a train or bus or whatever with people who are just too white for their own good? You know, the ones who are talking entirely too loud about trivial shit completely unaware of how annoyingly white they are? (In the voice of Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island:) "I'm torn between which ringtone I should get... the White Stripes, or the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. What do you think?" or "I've been searching all of the Apple stores for a Christmas themed Ipod sock for my pod. It's so frustrating." I was on the subway the other day next to a couple of those. I was thinking to myself, "shutthefuckup shutthefuckup shutthefuckup please god either strike them mute or strike me deaf" when I looked up and noticed that they were both black. Im not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, I'm glad that they showed me that whiteness isn't necessarily genetic and probably has more to do with how one is raised, giving me hope that one day I will be able to throw off the shackles of my utterly honky upbringing. But on the other hand, I was saddened by the realization that honkiness is apparently contagious. And it's spreading. Someone notify the CDC.What if I'm a carrier? That's a scary thought.

Here's another disturbing event. I was using the pisser at school and some guy came in after me and was about five pissers down. While I was washing my hands, I noticed that he went straight from the urinals to the electric hand dryer. Ugh. Nasty fucker is running around with dried pee crust on his hand. That makes me think about how potentially disgusting shaking someone's hand is. Do you even want to know what that hand has been up to? When you got that promotion at work and shook your boss's hand, you basically shook your boss's balls. When that bum comes up to you at the train station and shakes your hand before he hits you up for "38 cent", you probably just shook pigeon roadkill AND numerous bum balls. And don't even get me started on that time you met Ann Coulter. Come on, people, a little hygiene isn't going to kill you. I at least have the decency to wash my hands after I give a bum a handjob.


Anonymous Nick said...

the most important handwash of the day is the one BEFORE you pee. this washes the syphillis off your hand before you put it on your jimmy. secodnary syphillis: all the STD, none of the fun!

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Dege said...

This time of year (cold/flu)...I Hit them with "The Pound" (fist to fist)--it's hygienically superior AND a more efficient means of shaking hands. I use it all the time. For the bums, I usually reserves the "Elbow Knock" (elbow-to-elbow, one touch). Try it. It works.

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Crack said...

What is worse. . . than the white disease. . . is Americans in Europe. . . the wretch that comes out of thier mouths. . . putrid. . . they expect the same that they get from a strip mall. . . here I am sittin' in a train station. . . somewhere in Europe. . . and I hear that dreaded whine. . . and a cough. . . from some stupid American tourist. . . they are so evident. . . don't they know that thier profile. . . is not appreciated here. . . aren't they tired of. . . eating and drinkin' French spit. . . I could go on. . . but that would. . . expose my camoflage. . . hahahahaha. . . I fit in here. . .

2:24 PM  
Blogger schickenbutt said...

And what about these honks I see all the time? who end every sentence, or phrase? in a question? Like... east coast valley girls? And guys do it too?

I should relocate to Europe. Come to think of it, people don't really talk like that in Louisiana either. How refined we are.

9:23 PM  
Blogger Great Boudenny said...

I think what I will start doing is carrying a can of lysol around with me. If someone wants to shake hands, I'll non-chalantly disinfect their hands and forearms. And maybe their face.

I actually saw something similar on the subway one day. A bum was sleeping across five seats in a completely packed car, and then sat up and fell asleep in the corner seat. A lady pulled out some handiwipes and sanitized the seats for everyone. Damn non-kosher bums...

It sounds like the US tourists are forgetting the first rule of international travel: an American outside of America is a Canadian. I also recommend bringing a supply of small American flags or Dubya effigies to burn in case you are confronted by hostile Euros.

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That would be an appropos. . . defense mechanism. . . but spitting in your own coffee. . . works in France. . . hahahahaha

5:24 PM  

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