Steve Perry owes me money

I came to a horrifying realization the other day: I know all of the lyrics to "Faithfully" by Journey. I've spent the last several days trying to figure out how this could have happened, and have come to the conclusion that it can only be the result of a sinister conspiracy between Steve Perry, shadowy government figures, and Halliburton.

"Lovin' a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be..."

I never even really pay attention to lyrics, and certainly never went out of my way to learn these. I do admit to owning the record in 7th grade, but in my defense I WAS retarded, and under the corrupting influence of D&D. Why do I have trouble remembering the words to the American anthem or the pledge of allegiance, yet whenever I least expect it, the words to this horrid song come bubbling up out of some dark corner in the back of my brain?

"Restless hearts...sleep alone tonight...."

AHHHH!!! See??? I was coming out of some store the other day and found myself humming the tune. I was trying to figure out why, when it dawned on me that the store had it playing in the background and I didn't even notice. I mean, think about it, how many times has that crap been subliminally pushed into your head against your will by some mega-corporation or stupid commercial. I think it's high time I receive some compensation for the cumulative damage done to my ears and soul by Steve Perry and his shitty music.

"I get the joy of rediscovering you..."

Ughh. That line alone ought to be worth about $10K in pain and suffering. So if anyone wants to join me in this class-action lawsuit (conducted by the law firm of Denny & Denny) let me know. All we'll have to do is present exhibit A in court, which will be their entire discography. By the time we get to "Escape", the judge, jury, and everyone else in the courtroom will be begging for mercy. As an aside, I think plaintiffs born after 1983 should probably be entitled to a larger share of the damages because there's a good chance that they were actually conceived to the song. (Ugh, I would kill myself.)

"I'm forever yours............FAITHFULLY."

People, we have to stop this trend now before it's too late. If we wait, the only recourse for the human race may be for our descendents to send back a cybernetic robo-roadie to rub out Steve Perry. Let us not let it come to that, sirs.

P.S. Don't even get me started on "Oh, Sherry".